I need all the help I can get.
Earlier this week, I ordered this book in the hope that it will help me get a handle on what The Ninja and Toots are going through. It arrived today. I haven't really started in on it, but just a casual flip-through has yielded case studies of kids who sound awfully like The Ninja, in expressing their feelings of alienation and distance from their adoptive parents.
I'm looking forward to devouring this.
Friday, July 13, 2012
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Community Service
Part of The Ninja's probation requirement is 20 hours of community service. He had hoped to work with animals, but after many phone calls we found that all the organizations within driving distance either have more volunteers than they need, or don't accept volunteers under 16.
So he and I spent 3 1/2 hours this afternoon working at our church's Stewardship Supper. He fetched and carried boxes, sliced cake, and served pasta. I bagged up donated bagels and bread and washed dishes.
I explained to him on the way home that many people from other parts of the country think of Long Island as a wealthy playground, based on "The Great Gatsby" and the Hamptons. Well, parts are wealthy, but other parts definitely aren't.
I heard him talking to L. tonight about the people we met and the work we did. I think he learned something. We'll go back next week.
So he and I spent 3 1/2 hours this afternoon working at our church's Stewardship Supper. He fetched and carried boxes, sliced cake, and served pasta. I bagged up donated bagels and bread and washed dishes.
I explained to him on the way home that many people from other parts of the country think of Long Island as a wealthy playground, based on "The Great Gatsby" and the Hamptons. Well, parts are wealthy, but other parts definitely aren't.
I heard him talking to L. tonight about the people we met and the work we did. I think he learned something. We'll go back next week.
What's Up with The Ninja
The Ninja is doing pretty well this week. He is getting his required hours of chores done; he starts doing community service (working at our church's Stewardship Supper) this afternoon; he's doing what he's told (except for arguing about putting on sunscreen.) The probation officer is pleased.
Our town presents free concerts at the Gazebo on Tuesday nights during the summer. L. and I went and enjoyed the music. Ninja paid attention to his dress and grooming (new t-shirt, clean jeans, COLOGNE) and hung out with his peers, at quite some distance from us. He is trolling for girls' phone numbers, apparently. Don't know any more than that yet.
Our town presents free concerts at the Gazebo on Tuesday nights during the summer. L. and I went and enjoyed the music. Ninja paid attention to his dress and grooming (new t-shirt, clean jeans, COLOGNE) and hung out with his peers, at quite some distance from us. He is trolling for girls' phone numbers, apparently. Don't know any more than that yet.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Continuation
Sorry for the delay. Busy week.
So, we are up to last Wednesday evening. We all had a good time. Apparently.
Our guests left, and I did a little cleaning up. I was so tired, I lay down for a short nap. Now I get a little fuzzy on the timeframe here.
Around seven, L. woke me up and said he was taking Toots back to Children's Hospital. She was anxious to go.
A short time later (7:30?) he woke me up again and said that Toots had just told him she went into his bathroom and took 22 Wellbutrin. (Remember what I said in the previous post, and don't be judgmental that we left meds in the medicine cabinet.)
Quiet panic ensues.
Toots is sitting in the front seat of L's car, not too responsive but awake, with clammy skin. I sit with her while L. calls Children's Hospital, and is told to take her immediately to Big Hospital ER. We determine that, since he has to work in the morning, I'll be the one to stay at the ER with her overnight. He and Toots take off for Big Hospital. I throw a few things in my tote bag,make sure The Ninja is all right (good thing he's old enough to stay by himself), and head out to Big Hospital.
When I get into the ER, Toots has had blood drawn and been given activated charcoal to absorb the medication. She has already thrown up and defecated all over the room, and the smell is something else. The staff are cleaning up her and the room. After they finish, L. leaves and I take over. Because it's a suicide attempt, Toots is also on one-to-one staffing. The aide and I sit with her, and she throws up three more times and uses the bedpan twice, with accidents. I'm glad it's not my job to clean things up here. They are also repeating EKGs periodically, as her first EKG showed QT prolongation (an abnormal heart rhythm).
Toots isn't talkative, but she does say a few things over the course of the evening. She tells me and L. that she took the pills because, during the water fight, her brother aimed the hose at her private parts and it made her recollect being raped at the age of four. She also tells me later that she didn't take Wellbutrin, she took some round tan pills, that were in a white bottle with a white cap with a white and blue label. When I convey this to L., he looks in his medicine cabinet and finds two supplements that meet that description. The next day, when he comes back to the hospital,he brings the supplement bottles, and she says they're not the right ones. Later, we find another bottle, his blood pressure medication, that meets her description but the pills are reddish-tan and long caplets rather than round. She says those aren't it either. So, we still don't know and probably will never know what she took.
But I'm getting ahead of myself. Around one a.m., they take her up to the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit. From there, it's a bit of a blur. The nurses get her into bed, re-hook up the hydrating IV and the monitors, caution me that she's to have nothing by mouth. We spend the rest of the night with the one-to-one aide, watching TV, having EKGs done periodically, having her vitals taken, etc. Toots doesn't vomit anymore, hallelujah, but she does have more bedpan accidents. Toots finally gets a few hours of sleep. I lie down on the pull-out chair, but don't fall asleep.
Around 6 a.m, I go down to the Starbucks in the lobby for a large coffee. At some point, I meet with the attending doctor and the residents, who all look about Toots' age, and tell them about her extensive psychiatric history, self-harming, current inpatient status at Children's Hospital, etc. etc. They are sympathetic. I am told that, because of the circumstances, we are going to have a psychiatric consult and a social work consult. Not that they're really necessary, since she is an inpatient receiving psychiatric and therapeutic care.
L. goes into work, but around noon he takes the rest of the day off, and comes back to the hospital. I go home exhausted and sleep for hours. L. stays, and meets with a child psychiatrist and social worker. We had kept in contact with the nursing supervisors at Children's Hospital, and the Big Hospital staff talk to them also. The doctors decide that they will keep her for observation until the evening, and arrange ambulance transportation for her back to Children's Hospital (needs to be an ambulance, since it's a hospital-to-hospital transfer). And that's what happens, around 7:30 p.m., just about 24 hours after the incident.
Although L. spoke with Toots' psychiatrist at Children's, we didn't hear from Toots for about 48 hours. Turns out she was sleeping most of that time.
Since then, she hasn't wanted to talk much with us about what happened. Can't say I blame her. I know she is discussing things with her therapist.
When I went to visit her on Sunday afternoon, she said, "Mommy, I want to come home." I ventured to remind her that on her last visit home, we'd had a significant problem. She said, "Oh, yeah, right."
I guess we are never going to be able to think that she's really doing "better."
After I typed that line, The Ninja came into the room and said that he was going over to his friend's house in the next block. I told him to put on sunscreen before he left. I got all kinds of BS about how he was only going to be outside for two minutes. When I told him to just do it, I got more flak about how I didn't tell him to put on sunscreen on July 4th. I said I wasn't perfect and not always perfectly consistent in my behavior. I got more flak.
I wasn't like this as an adolescent. I'm sure I wasn't. I'm so tired of it. And he's only fourteen.
So, we are up to last Wednesday evening. We all had a good time. Apparently.
Our guests left, and I did a little cleaning up. I was so tired, I lay down for a short nap. Now I get a little fuzzy on the timeframe here.
Around seven, L. woke me up and said he was taking Toots back to Children's Hospital. She was anxious to go.
A short time later (7:30?) he woke me up again and said that Toots had just told him she went into his bathroom and took 22 Wellbutrin. (Remember what I said in the previous post, and don't be judgmental that we left meds in the medicine cabinet.)
Quiet panic ensues.
Toots is sitting in the front seat of L's car, not too responsive but awake, with clammy skin. I sit with her while L. calls Children's Hospital, and is told to take her immediately to Big Hospital ER. We determine that, since he has to work in the morning, I'll be the one to stay at the ER with her overnight. He and Toots take off for Big Hospital. I throw a few things in my tote bag,make sure The Ninja is all right (good thing he's old enough to stay by himself), and head out to Big Hospital.
When I get into the ER, Toots has had blood drawn and been given activated charcoal to absorb the medication. She has already thrown up and defecated all over the room, and the smell is something else. The staff are cleaning up her and the room. After they finish, L. leaves and I take over. Because it's a suicide attempt, Toots is also on one-to-one staffing. The aide and I sit with her, and she throws up three more times and uses the bedpan twice, with accidents. I'm glad it's not my job to clean things up here. They are also repeating EKGs periodically, as her first EKG showed QT prolongation (an abnormal heart rhythm).
Toots isn't talkative, but she does say a few things over the course of the evening. She tells me and L. that she took the pills because, during the water fight, her brother aimed the hose at her private parts and it made her recollect being raped at the age of four. She also tells me later that she didn't take Wellbutrin, she took some round tan pills, that were in a white bottle with a white cap with a white and blue label. When I convey this to L., he looks in his medicine cabinet and finds two supplements that meet that description. The next day, when he comes back to the hospital,he brings the supplement bottles, and she says they're not the right ones. Later, we find another bottle, his blood pressure medication, that meets her description but the pills are reddish-tan and long caplets rather than round. She says those aren't it either. So, we still don't know and probably will never know what she took.
But I'm getting ahead of myself. Around one a.m., they take her up to the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit. From there, it's a bit of a blur. The nurses get her into bed, re-hook up the hydrating IV and the monitors, caution me that she's to have nothing by mouth. We spend the rest of the night with the one-to-one aide, watching TV, having EKGs done periodically, having her vitals taken, etc. Toots doesn't vomit anymore, hallelujah, but she does have more bedpan accidents. Toots finally gets a few hours of sleep. I lie down on the pull-out chair, but don't fall asleep.
Around 6 a.m, I go down to the Starbucks in the lobby for a large coffee. At some point, I meet with the attending doctor and the residents, who all look about Toots' age, and tell them about her extensive psychiatric history, self-harming, current inpatient status at Children's Hospital, etc. etc. They are sympathetic. I am told that, because of the circumstances, we are going to have a psychiatric consult and a social work consult. Not that they're really necessary, since she is an inpatient receiving psychiatric and therapeutic care.
L. goes into work, but around noon he takes the rest of the day off, and comes back to the hospital. I go home exhausted and sleep for hours. L. stays, and meets with a child psychiatrist and social worker. We had kept in contact with the nursing supervisors at Children's Hospital, and the Big Hospital staff talk to them also. The doctors decide that they will keep her for observation until the evening, and arrange ambulance transportation for her back to Children's Hospital (needs to be an ambulance, since it's a hospital-to-hospital transfer). And that's what happens, around 7:30 p.m., just about 24 hours after the incident.
Although L. spoke with Toots' psychiatrist at Children's, we didn't hear from Toots for about 48 hours. Turns out she was sleeping most of that time.
Since then, she hasn't wanted to talk much with us about what happened. Can't say I blame her. I know she is discussing things with her therapist.
When I went to visit her on Sunday afternoon, she said, "Mommy, I want to come home." I ventured to remind her that on her last visit home, we'd had a significant problem. She said, "Oh, yeah, right."
I guess we are never going to be able to think that she's really doing "better."
After I typed that line, The Ninja came into the room and said that he was going over to his friend's house in the next block. I told him to put on sunscreen before he left. I got all kinds of BS about how he was only going to be outside for two minutes. When I told him to just do it, I got more flak about how I didn't tell him to put on sunscreen on July 4th. I said I wasn't perfect and not always perfectly consistent in my behavior. I got more flak.
I wasn't like this as an adolescent. I'm sure I wasn't. I'm so tired of it. And he's only fourteen.
Sunday, July 8, 2012
What a week!
What a time we have been through this week.
To set the scene, you have to understand that nowadays we have Toots coming home on passes from Children's Hospital, roughly every other weekend. Some are day passes, a few are overnight passes. Obviously, she has to be having a good week, behaviorwise, for her treatment team to grant her the pass.
In addition, you need to know that seven years ago, we had an incident in which she took a number of pills, unauthorized, when she was home. It was never clear what or how many she had taken, because she changed her story several times as to what bottle she took them from, and how many she threw in the bushes rather than ingested. The episode ended safely. Since then, during periods when she's been home, we have mostly locked up the household medications. We had a super-sturdy door installed on our bedroom, plus a strong lock.
Over the last year, with the okays of professionals, we have eased on locking things up. She has learned a great deal about her meds, why she takes them, what they do, etc. and has been pretty sensible about taking them. There haven't been any other problems with her taking unauthorized meds.
Which brings us to last Wednesday.
Since it was a holiday, and we had friends coming over for a BBQ, we had Toots home in the middle of the week. L. picked her up on Tuesday evening; she had a good night at home, and was very helpful during the day on Wednesday. She helped cook, set up and serve. She ran around screeching with her brother and a friend, as they all soaked each other with the garden hose. She seemed to be having a good time.
To be continued......
To set the scene, you have to understand that nowadays we have Toots coming home on passes from Children's Hospital, roughly every other weekend. Some are day passes, a few are overnight passes. Obviously, she has to be having a good week, behaviorwise, for her treatment team to grant her the pass.
In addition, you need to know that seven years ago, we had an incident in which she took a number of pills, unauthorized, when she was home. It was never clear what or how many she had taken, because she changed her story several times as to what bottle she took them from, and how many she threw in the bushes rather than ingested. The episode ended safely. Since then, during periods when she's been home, we have mostly locked up the household medications. We had a super-sturdy door installed on our bedroom, plus a strong lock.
Over the last year, with the okays of professionals, we have eased on locking things up. She has learned a great deal about her meds, why she takes them, what they do, etc. and has been pretty sensible about taking them. There haven't been any other problems with her taking unauthorized meds.
Which brings us to last Wednesday.
Since it was a holiday, and we had friends coming over for a BBQ, we had Toots home in the middle of the week. L. picked her up on Tuesday evening; she had a good night at home, and was very helpful during the day on Wednesday. She helped cook, set up and serve. She ran around screeching with her brother and a friend, as they all soaked each other with the garden hose. She seemed to be having a good time.
To be continued......
Sunday, July 1, 2012
No flees on The Ninja
He wrote this in second grade, two days before Thanksgiving. It still cracks us right up.
P.S. "roke" is "rock".
P.S. "roke" is "rock".
Anniversary
When I posted on Friday, I forgot something very important. The Ninja reminded me later, and after L. got home we went out for Chinese food to celebrate.
On July 29, 2002, Toots and The Ninja moved in! Bag, baggage, toy fire engine, and lots and lots of clothing!
On July 29, 2002, Toots and The Ninja moved in! Bag, baggage, toy fire engine, and lots and lots of clothing!
Friday, June 29, 2012
Has it been a week?
It turned out that we met with a probation officer, not a judge, on Tuesday. I started to write about the meeting on Wednesday, but got sidetracked and can't find where I saved it as a draft. The Ninja will be on probation for two months (our attorney said that was the shortest probation he'd ever seen). He has a curfew, community service and home chore requirements, an essay to write, his partner in crime to have no contact with, two apology letters to us and the store (which he's done). The officer and the attorney told him that this was his one chance and not to blow it. If he messes up again, he WILL go to jail, or the teen equivalent thereof (a residential facility near here). So far, so good.
I just picked up the idea of "Friday Fives" from here. Since I don't have other ideas at the moment, I think I will include five offbeat things about myself (at least I think they're offbeat).
1. The first stage show I ever saw was a community production of "Guys and Dolls". How old was I? Eight, nine? My great-uncle Charlie played Nicely-Nicely Johnson. By coincidence, when I met my husband many many years later, it turned out he had played Nicely-Nicely, in a grade school production, and brought down the house with his powerful rendition of "Sit Down, You're Rockin' The Boat." Wish I could have been there to see it.
2. I don't like cell phones. I carry one because my husband says I have to. It's an old model not being made any more. All I need is to make and receive calls. No smartphone nonsense for me. Sorry, true believers.
3. I started reading at the age of three. All by myself. I'd been read to almost every night of my life, and one day I picked up a newly-arrived copy of "Highlights" magazine. I started reading a story about a little boy, his mother and baby sister traveling on a train. The baby needed her bottle warmed, and the conductor took and warmed it by holding it next to the hot engine. (This was long, long before the Age of Microwaves.) My mom freaked out. She knew I hadn't memorized this story because the magazine had just come in the mail.
4. I am a very anxious person. I have been a cuticle picker and hair puller for as long as I can remember.
5. When we first met Toots and The Ninja, it seemed almost miraculous that Ninja's first name was a family name on my mother's side. Spelled the correct way, also.
I know, pointless random thoughts. But with all the things that have been happening lately with the kids, I get tired of thinking about the bad stuff.
I just picked up the idea of "Friday Fives" from here. Since I don't have other ideas at the moment, I think I will include five offbeat things about myself (at least I think they're offbeat).
1. The first stage show I ever saw was a community production of "Guys and Dolls". How old was I? Eight, nine? My great-uncle Charlie played Nicely-Nicely Johnson. By coincidence, when I met my husband many many years later, it turned out he had played Nicely-Nicely, in a grade school production, and brought down the house with his powerful rendition of "Sit Down, You're Rockin' The Boat." Wish I could have been there to see it.
2. I don't like cell phones. I carry one because my husband says I have to. It's an old model not being made any more. All I need is to make and receive calls. No smartphone nonsense for me. Sorry, true believers.
3. I started reading at the age of three. All by myself. I'd been read to almost every night of my life, and one day I picked up a newly-arrived copy of "Highlights" magazine. I started reading a story about a little boy, his mother and baby sister traveling on a train. The baby needed her bottle warmed, and the conductor took and warmed it by holding it next to the hot engine. (This was long, long before the Age of Microwaves.) My mom freaked out. She knew I hadn't memorized this story because the magazine had just come in the mail.
4. I am a very anxious person. I have been a cuticle picker and hair puller for as long as I can remember.
5. When we first met Toots and The Ninja, it seemed almost miraculous that Ninja's first name was a family name on my mother's side. Spelled the correct way, also.
I know, pointless random thoughts. But with all the things that have been happening lately with the kids, I get tired of thinking about the bad stuff.
Friday, June 22, 2012
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Later
I heard The Ninja on the phone with Friend (aka partner in crime) from last week. You'll remember that our families made different choices. The friend is undergoing restrictions, but apparently nowhere near as severe as the ones we have imposed.
After his call ended, Ninja complained that Friend stole more stuff than he did, but had a lesser punishment. I reminded Ninja that, before the shopping spree, he had already ripped us off for a substantial amount of money buying songs on iTunes. He turned away to go back to his room, and all I heard was "Unfair".
After his call ended, Ninja complained that Friend stole more stuff than he did, but had a lesser punishment. I reminded Ninja that, before the shopping spree, he had already ripped us off for a substantial amount of money buying songs on iTunes. He turned away to go back to his room, and all I heard was "Unfair".
Heartbroken
Last Tuesday, The Ninja and a friend decided to go shopping at the mall.
Without any money.
The two 14-year-old knuckleheads sauntered around, throwing two pairs of sneakers and earbud headphones in a backpack.
Until Ninja got caught sticking a wallet in his pocket in Big Well-Known Department Store.
I got a call from Ninja about 3 pm. "Mom......." Then a staff security member came on and explained what had happened. I charged down to the mall.
By the time the friend's mother and I got there, Friend was sobbing. Ninja was sitting nonchalantly, looking unconcerned. Friend was upset and promising he'd never do it again. Ninja said he'd just go out and do it again.
Big Well-Known Department Store was willing to release the boys to our custody, without law enforcement involvement. Friend's mother took him home, promising that family friends who are police officers would be giving him a strongly worded talk.
Due to the bravado and the attitude, we decided to lower the boom on the Ninja. Waited for a police officer to arrive. During the wait, Ninja started to seem upset, sitting on a bench with his head in his hands.
Officer arrived. Gave Ninja a talking-to while taking down information and writing an appearance ticket. Put Ninja in handcuffs and took him to the precinct. L. and I followed. More talking-to, from a detective and another office, took place. We signed for him and took him home.
He has a court date on Tuesday. We have engaged an attorney who is a family friend. Attorney says that what will probably happen, due to Ninja's age, is supervised probation, attendance at a StopLift program, and sealing of the records if he stays out of trouble for a period of time.
Earlier in the week, Ninja said to me that he's never going to shoplift again. This morning, he said that he doesn't know whether he will or not. I feel sick to my stomach.
Any advice, encouragement or words of wisdom, anyone?
Without any money.
The two 14-year-old knuckleheads sauntered around, throwing two pairs of sneakers and earbud headphones in a backpack.
Until Ninja got caught sticking a wallet in his pocket in Big Well-Known Department Store.
I got a call from Ninja about 3 pm. "Mom......." Then a staff security member came on and explained what had happened. I charged down to the mall.
By the time the friend's mother and I got there, Friend was sobbing. Ninja was sitting nonchalantly, looking unconcerned. Friend was upset and promising he'd never do it again. Ninja said he'd just go out and do it again.
Big Well-Known Department Store was willing to release the boys to our custody, without law enforcement involvement. Friend's mother took him home, promising that family friends who are police officers would be giving him a strongly worded talk.
Due to the bravado and the attitude, we decided to lower the boom on the Ninja. Waited for a police officer to arrive. During the wait, Ninja started to seem upset, sitting on a bench with his head in his hands.
Officer arrived. Gave Ninja a talking-to while taking down information and writing an appearance ticket. Put Ninja in handcuffs and took him to the precinct. L. and I followed. More talking-to, from a detective and another office, took place. We signed for him and took him home.
He has a court date on Tuesday. We have engaged an attorney who is a family friend. Attorney says that what will probably happen, due to Ninja's age, is supervised probation, attendance at a StopLift program, and sealing of the records if he stays out of trouble for a period of time.
Earlier in the week, Ninja said to me that he's never going to shoplift again. This morning, he said that he doesn't know whether he will or not. I feel sick to my stomach.
Any advice, encouragement or words of wisdom, anyone?
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